People leave and we feel abandoned and sad and pathetic. But the thing
is that everyone comes back and it is just a matter of time. I have heard
people say this all the time and I have caught myself believing that this is
true because the alternative is just too depressing but it is also the truth. People
don’t come back, not completely anyway. Things never go back to being the same.
We ask people to promise that they won’t leave and we ask them if they will
stay and when they say yes we feel a
moment of safety like we won’t have to feel abandoned and sad and pathetic
anymore but the truth is that there is always something that can make them say “well
I lied’. People always leave and that is
just a matter of time.
I have done it and now I know, very well, what the other person must
have felt. I mean this entire year has been about people leaving and I guess I should
get used to it by now but it still sucks the same. I just repress my feeling,
ignore them and act like I don’t care. But the thing is that no matter how much
you try to not deal with something, it still follows you around like a bitch. You
start to feel sad and depressed and you just can’t figure out why. Over time
you start to feel like you are not good enough because everybody leaves. You become
insecure and under confident and keep trying to impress someone. You put on a
mask to make people stay and then you wonder why you aren’t happy. And then
they also leave and the cycle goes on.
I guess people expect us to become stronger but I didn’t. I just became
worse and needy and desperate. And I don’t know what to do. I make mistakes, no
doubt. But I care and nobody cares back enough. And even thinking about them
makes me feel even more pathetic like how could I even fall back into the same
trap?? But I can’t stop myself from trying and believing that there is someone
different out there. And this feeling, this hope is taking over my life. It’s like
my life isn’t moving and I am waiting for something that doesn’t even exist and
I can’t help it.
Maybe in 5 years I will laugh at all the pity things that I used to care
about but right now I can’t help but be stupid…
